Problems can creep in when we start to have thoughts of “do I love him more than he loves me?” We start examining all the things we do for our lover. All the ways we express our love and how much time and energy we’re putting into the relationship. Then we try to figure out if our lover is giving an equal amount back. If we perceive a discrepancy in that balance sheet, we start to back away from the relationship. We don't want to love more than they love. We become fearful that if we love them more than they love us, we might be played for a fool.
Useful Questions:
Focus on how you feel when YOU are loving. Does loving someone feel good regardless if it’s returned?
Is your loving someone conditional on them loving you back? If so, why?
Do you feel loved when your partner isn’t around? If not, why not? Do you accept yourself, appreciate your qualities?
Are you doing things for your lover that you really don't want to do, but feel you need to, to keep their love?
Are you doing things for them, expecting something in return?
What are you expecting?
And have you told them what that is?
Have you talked to your partner about what things cause you to feel loved?
(Don’t get caught up in “if they loved me, they’d know”, cause they don’t.)
"We don't have anything in common anymore."
You love each other and that's why you got together in the first place, but you don't really seem to have much in common anymore. You’re into philosophy and art. They're into sports. You like books and going for walks, and she always wants to go sailing. But you tell yourself that marriage is a sacrifice. A give and take. You’ve been told you should put aside your own interests to make the relationship work. You have to compromise, right? But when you give up what you love for the sake of the relationship, you end up resenting the person and conclude you don't have anything in common.
If you had these differences when you fell in love, chances are it's not about having nothing in common, but not having the connection and intimacy you once had.
Useful Questions:
Has the amount of one-on-one time changed since you first met?
Do you still share everything with your partner like you use to?
What would happen if you did what you wanted, and they did what they wanted?
How much time do you have to spend with your lover to feel you have a successful relationship?
How did you arrive at that amount?
What would it mean if you had separate interests?
Do you see yourself and your partner as two separate people who choose to be together or do you feel some type of obligation?
Do you believe “Love means to sacrifice.”? If so, why?